Because I stay up late most nights writing about what goes on during the day in my life or thanks to TIVO, catching up on the Kardashian’s and what goes on in their life, mornings are difficult. I actually get up pretty early, thanks in part to being raised on a farm for the first part of my childhood, but in all honesty, it’s mostly because I have an impatient little dog that finds it necessary to poke my nose or tug my hair until my eyes are fully open.
Although my dog, Jeb, goes to the bathroom before bed and of course, first thing in the morning often before I do, it seems the fatter he gets, the smaller his bladder becomes. He now forces me up around 3:30am for his pre-morning pee. He can be quite a ruthless dictator should I not immediately comply with his demands, which is mostly out of fear of retribution. I have discovered that the punishment for not bowing to his demands for instance, could be a chewed up shoe, the $250.00 psychology text book bought at the university bookstore or once, he relieved himself on my pillow…when I was still under the blanket.
Getting Jeb ready for the outdoors is always an ordeal, but can be infinitely more cumbersome in inclement weather. Because he is not overly fond of the cold, I am forced to put on the appropriate gear over his pajamas. (He also does not like to sleep in the nude.) To keep his highness from frostbite if the outside temperature plummets below fifty degrees or so, I have to squeeze him into a sweater, a jacket and if it is raining or the grass is too dewey, there are four tiny yellow galoshes for his feet.
By the time, we finally make it into the elevator; it is now around 4 am and Jeb resembles a sausage in his clothes that are increasingly too small. (He refuses to buy the larger size and prefers to blame me and the dryer for our incompetence at laundering.) I realize the solution seems obvious and I should just put him on a diet, which would then affect his weight thus halting his inconvenient incontinence, but I have discovered that his mood elevates in direct proportion to the kinds of treats he consumes.
Initially, I would buy treats that were mass-produced and sold at stores such as Target or Wal-Mart with the happy cartoon dog licking his lips on the packaging, but these became known as “over-the-counter” treats. Like medications, they are generally fine in a pinch, but not nearly as good as say, the prescription stuff you can order from Canada online and without a prescription. As a side note, should you go this route, please realize that due to pesky U.S. drug trafficking laws, sometimes these medications are confiscated at the border, so be sure to order from multiple vendors to ensure that at least one bottle makes it through.
After buying a cookbook that caters to canine cuisine, I no longer buy his treats, I now make them homemade. He is particularly fond of mini-cupcakes, scones and blueberry muffins. He likes them with his morning coffee. I am fully aware that coffee is likely an unhealthy thing for even a dog with Jeb’s sophisticated palate, so I switched him to decaf a few months ago and for the most part, I don’t think he has noticed.
My relationship with my dog may be unusual, but it is uncomplicated. He has been my one constant companion. Through the roughest break-ups, bad dates and heart arches, he is always waiting right at the front door shaking his stubby tail welcoming me back home. When I feel the loneliest, though I’m often surrounded by people, it is Jeb who reminds me that I am never alone and provides me with fierce and unwavering loyalty.
Yes, he can be difficult, ill behaved and sometimes even contentious, but through all that, no one will ever love me as much as my dog…but it’d be fantastic if he’d stop chewing on my shoes.
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