Jungle Rules and Jello Shots

Last week I made Jello shots in preparation for a wild weekend safari to all the hottest nightclubs in Kansas City accompanied by my bestie Kyle which according to him, fun is actually spelled J. E. L. L. O. and mixed with cheap vodka.

          Personally, having never attempted such complex culinary endeavors, I made my way to the World Wide Web to search for the premier recipe.  This led me of course to x-rated sites soliciting unconventional sexual fetishes featuring the beloved icon Bill Cosby who apparently loves pudding a little too much…allegedly.  Frustrated and more than a little disturbed, I finally stumbled across a how-to version on YouTube.  After an exhaustive search and a few clumsy mishaps, I poured my lollipop flavored libation into small plasitc cups, threw them into the refridgerator, and waited for our adventure to begin the following night.

Entering the dark, rhythmic wilderness on Friday evening, Kyle and I bumped into someone that I have had the most enormous crush on since we first met.  This person has the reputation for leaving bodies curled into fetal positions with their hearts scattered and torn into tiny still beating bits while mumbling “why me?”.  But with a combination of good lighting and a few jiggly Jello shots, I was somewhat less cautious about ending up in one of the broken bundles supposedly left in the wake of my crush.  Being the selfless guy that I am…I made Kyle go over and test the waters.

This brings me to a couple of rules that I find relevant when out in the wilderness of the club scene.

First rule in the Law of the Jungle is Travel in Packs.

Secondly, and most importantly, Better Him than Me.

Because the first rule of Law of the Jungle is especially relevant among singles, it is essential to form near co-dependent relationships and always travel in packs when you go out.  Once separated from the herd, it is usually the one that strays that ends up devoured with their carcass left to decay underneath the disco ball.  While I love and appreciate Kyle as my second-in-command, the latter rule is applicable in this situation and I figured the worst that could happen would be a few mixed drinks tossed in his general direction or some sort of public humiliation?  Both are entirely survivable given enough time and counseling.

After sufficient time had passed and Kyle had not shown any visible signs of distress, I felt the situation safe and favorable to make my way over to the herd.  Especially important to observe in the singles native habitat, namely a night club, is to avoid sudden movements, walk with confidence and never show fear.

After making eye contact and avoiding a smile, which can be confused as a sign of aggression especially if you smile at someone else’s mate, I slowly finished my cocktail and purposefully glided across the now packed room to Kyle, my crush and the group of hyenas, which seemed to cackle and croon louder as I approached.  Introducing yourself to a new group of lemmings at the local watering hole is easy if you initially offer some sort of small token.  Generally, a fruity shot is sufficient, however, if the hyenas are especially thin, it is best to offer a cocktail heaped full of garnishes.  It is better that they nibble on a few slices of limes or olives than on your self-esteem.

By evenings end, my safari proved successful as the new pride had adopted Kyle and myself as one of their own and a date had been planned between myself and their pack leader. 

With the dawn and last call quickly approaching, the night time sounds of the jungle start to subside leaving those not observant to the jungle’s rules still restlessly looking for their kill along the sidewalk in the harsh lighting of overhead streetlamps.  Thankfully, for me, I am not one of them.

“Every day in Africa a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
 Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows that it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
 It doesn’t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.
When the sun comes up, you better be running.”

Abe Gubegna